Joke 1 --

A herd of ostriches is standing in the desert when the scent of a lion wafts by. Terrified, the ostriches bury their heads in the sand. An hour passes. Then another ostrich lopes by, sees all the ostriches with their heads in the sand and says: "Say, where is everybody?"

Joke 2 --

A reporter walks up to four diplomats - a Russian, an American, a Frenchman and an Iraqi - and asks them all, "Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?" The American says, "What is a shortage?" The Russian says, "What is meat?" The Iraqi says, "What is an opinion?" And the Frenchman says, "What is `excuse me' "

Joke 3 --

"My dog has no nose."

"Really? How does he smell?"

"He stinks."

This Week's Contest: Retell any of these jokes as they would be told by some celebrity, living or dead. You can alter the joke as much as you wish. First-prize winner receives a Treetop Singer, a plastic bird that warbles every time anything makes a noise anywhere in its vicinity. This obnoxious twitty object costs $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 100, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 20. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 97, in which we asked you to come up with Gingrichisms, colorful if slightly Neanderthal explanations of the basic principles of life. Fortunately, your entries stank up the joint, leaving us with needed space to tie up some loose ends.

First, we have received a correspondence from Kevin Cuddihy of Fairfax hotly denying that he and Jeanie DeLisi of Sterling are an "item." Reviewing where matters now stand, we have an unfounded scurrilous rumor that has been: 1) hotly denied by one alleged participant while the other alleged participant remains: 2) suspiciously silent. More on this breaking sex scandal as it develops.

Next: The winner of the fine-print contest to come up with creative new examples of onomatopoeia, or words that sound like what they are describing, is Stu Segal of Vienna, who wins a fabulous book on the prostate gland for "Panache--The sound a dollop of spaghetti sauce makes hitting a designer suit."

And in the contest to explain the inscrutable cartoon below, the winner of the giant flag of a goose is Jerry Pannullo of Chevy Chase, who writes: "It is a little-known fact that shortly after George Washington's death in 1799, Martha Washington's childhood sweetheart exhumed George's body, cut of his head, and mounted it on a post. In a fit of rage he then ripped off his own kneecap, hurled it at our first president's head, and then danced a jig. The only witness was a cow." Special mention goes to Lisa Zucker of Bethesda, who described a miniature golf course consisting only of "a tiny Capitol building and a George Washington Pez dispenser."

Next: The winner of a drinking duck for coming up with the most accurate explanation for how a drinking duck works is Thomas J. Murphy of Bowie, whose explanation is so long and stultifying we will not repeat it here except to say that it involves volatility and vapor pressure and the Second Law of Thermodynamics. We fear Tom may not be the most scintillating human being on Earth, but he certainly knows his refrigerants. Winner of a drinking duck for the funniest explanation of how a drinking duck works is Fil Feit of Annandale, who writes: "1. Drinking ducks love vodka. 2. Drinking ducks hate water. 3. Drinking ducks cannot tell vodka from water without tasting. 4. Drinking ducks are senile."

And now, Gingrichisms:

Second Runner-Up: "We should consider employing an entirely female navy, because a woman's anatomy makes her particularly well suited for use as a flotation device." (Mark Briscoe, Arlington)

First Runner-Up: "Joan of Arc? Dead of infection. Look it up." (Dave Yanchulis, Washington)

And the winner of the pet salamander:

"Men are better decision makers than women. This capacity is developed at an early age during toilet training. Every time a man goes to the bathroom, he makes a conscious decision to stand or sit. That trait is underdeveloped in women, who are always dithering over every little thing." (Greg Arnold, Herndon)

Honorable Mentions:

"Women are better at sweatshop work. Their perspiration doesn't smell as bad in close quarters and they like to sew clothes. Men need to work outside where they can sweat and urinate freely. Children can be kept in orphanages above the sweatshops." (Kim Patterson, Gaithersburg)

"Bill Clinton is a Democrat. The Democrats are donkeys. That means he is an ass. I am a Republican. The Republicans are elephants. That means I have large genitals." (Rick Sasaki, Arlington)

And Last:

"T-shirts are a symbol of acceptance and honor. Bumper stickers are cold and hurt like crazy when you take them off." (Allen R. Breon, Columbia)

Next Week: Cheatin' Art